Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Make up, sure.

He started speaking again yesterday, but it didn't take long to figure out that it was only so he could bitch at me and run me down. I got a few more hours respite by poibing out that it was so much better around here when he was refusing to speak.
But today he pretended to make up again but by this evening all he wanted to do was bitch about politics and how stupid I am to be upset over what has happened to this country with it being taken over by deplorables. Went on until all I could do was sit and cry; I am crying now just thinking about it.
Course, once I was reduced to a quivering, crying lump he was happy and then wondered why I was so stupidly upset over politics.
I swear, I fantasize about being free of this abuse. I an sure it will never happen though. His mother was totally negative and mean until the end of her life and he learned his relationship behavior from her. She DID however start having strokes toward the end, and once she couldn't talk anymore, he started to go visit her. Before that, he hadn't seen her in years because NO WAY would he put up with being treated the same way he treats others.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Standard abuser behavior

I read an article today about how the Trump uses standard abuser behavior to get his way, and it made all kinds of bells and whistles go off on my head.
Refusal to compromise on anything; willingness to go to war over the smallest slight. Check.
Exaggerated horrible behavior so that a return to everyday meanness and malice seems benign by comparison. Check.
Micromanaging, ordering about, mansplaining, general distrust of anyone's ability to do ANYTHING right. Check.

It is truly amazing. My spouse says he is totally against the Cheeto and everything he stands for. But his behavior and attitudes make that a big lie.

Tonight he sat down at the table and ate the butternut squash soup and homemade dinner rolls at the same time and place that I did. Wonder of wonders. Although he did make it a big point to say that there wouldn't be conversation that would prevent me from continuing to do what I please. I nearly choked on a snort. Yeah right, like this is happening for me to do what I please. He can play his silly games if he wants to, but I just don't feel like participating. I didn't bother to answer. After all, what is the point?

Sunday, December 18, 2016


I did continue to cook for both of us though. Thursday night he drove me away from the table and wouldn't let me eat, so since then, I cook, I bring it to the table, and I sit down. I sit there long enough to understand that he still won't eat with me, and I start eating. He fills his plate and takes it elsewhere to eat. If I quit cooking for both of us, I would no longer be in total possession of the moral high ground. So I will continue to do so, at least as long as I am not too weak from cancer treatments.

Still not speaking.

It has now been since Thursday evening that Bill has refused to speak to me. This means he knows nothing about what happened at the dentist on Friday, nothing about any phone calls or mail, nothing about when I go to various doctors again. Doesn't know or care that UHC is now refusing to pay for the breast biopsy, which was preauthorized and delayed once to jump through the ins co hoops. Doesn't know or care when or how I will be having surgery and radiation. Doesn't know or care, period.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Bill's latest snit

3rd night in a row that he has refused to eat at the same table with me, and hasn't spoken since night before last. Getting fairly ridiculous. Tomorrow night I guess I just won't cook. See if that can get a reaction.

Monday, September 26, 2016


Every time I think I'm going to be able to stop drinking, he has one of his screaming, spitting, foaming-at-the-mouth fis about something, anything, and I realize once again that I can not live here with h without being anesthesized.

Friday, May 27, 2016


Dont forget the most telling problem of all. He just can't stand the fact that I prefer to sleep with my bedroom door closed. It means that he can't control what I am doing in there-sleeping- and has a meltdown about it every few days. I don't care. I have a right to be out from under his  thumb at least when I sleep.


The only thing I can do at this point is fell. I am drinking too much in effort to cope with the way he treats me, plus my blood pressure is way too high and fibromyalgia hurts me practically all the time.I am a wreck, and all he is interested in is either yelling at me or glaring at me all the time. He has shit fits if I sew at all, if I read when he is not reading, if I try to watch a DVD that isn't a favorite of his, etc. He did agree to go see a marriage counselor when I get back from CO but came right out and said he is counting on the counselor to point out that I am completely crazy and need to either get divorced or medicated into total submission. He is in for a real shock.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016


Why is the asshole's perfect time to start his fits so often near mealtimes? It is like he has a built in timer. Near a mealtime, start shit. The excuse this time is that I took $10 out of the grocery envelope yesterday to, duh, buy groceries he asked for when I went to Chino to the dr. Now he is hysterically angry because I took HIS grocery money to buy what HE asked for. I am afraid that I did point out that it is not completely HIS grocery money, as he does insist that MY social security check go into his account that the grocery money comes out of. That has only led to even more screaming fit. I am so tired of this shit.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Why does he insist on ruining mealtimes?

Tonight I worked hard on a new meal, Greek Feta chicken along with a Greek salad bowl underneath. He didn't even sit down to the table before launching into a diatribe about h having to eat food he hasn't seen before. I have only been talking about this meal and telling him what was in store for a week!
This on top of being so mean before the meal last night t h at I couldn't eat at all.  Sometimes I just hate him. So much / oh what does is so useless, with no other purpose than hatred,and law as us directed at me. I don't deserve it.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Hatred and quilting

He was so nasty about me quilting back in Buckeye that o was only allowed to quilt when he wasn't home. That was doable as long as he was working and I wasn't. Became a huge problem, to him, when he retired and I had to go back to work. I had to give up quilting completely for years and years, as he required all my attention whenever I wasn't working.
Now we are both retired and there is NO REASON why I shouldn't quilt whenever I want. That is according to me. But he is bitching about it more and more, even though I have limited myself to no more than an hour per day, when he is reading/asleep with a book. Doesn't seem to matter to him. Now I am a bad person because I am taking time away from him and the horses to quilt/creating beautiful useful textile works of art.
Why can't he just let me be? I compromise and compromise. I sublimate. I attempt to be and do whatever he wants and keep quiet about what I actually think. Nothing is good enough for him. He wants to control every minute of every day and even control my very thoughts.

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

What is the answer?

So what are you supposed to do when you are asked a question and there is only one answer that will be accepted and you have no idea what that answer is supposed to be? Meltdown is coming 90% of the the time, as there is just no tracking what answer he wants this time. I suspect that he would change the answer if I happened to give the one he wanted anyway. The point here is not to have a discussion or elicit information; the point is to have a yellfest and make sure I feel as bad as possible, since that makes him feel as good as possible. How much longer can I live with this?

Tuesday, April 05, 2016


He's on the warpath again, although I am not sure why. Things went to hell yesterday afternoon, when I hadn't even been home from the ride for 24 hours. He wanted to look at craigslist on my computer which is fine, but wouldn't look by himself for 5 minutes. AJ, come look at this. Then waiting until I tried to go do something, anything. AJ come look at this. I would TRY to look at it as wanting to share things with me except that he makes it so clear that he is totally uninterested in what I think about what he wants me to look at.
By suppertime I was a bit short about his interference with the way I was cooking and how I set up the table for the hot dishes. Why oh why does he need to go rearrange everything I did? And then he gets mad when I put it back the way I wanted it.
And after supper he made it very clear that he wasn't going to watch a DVD with me by sitting down in another room to read a book. So I chose a movie that he wouldn't want to watch anyway and sat down myself to watch it. That REALLY pissed him off. I don't know; I guess I was supposed to sit in a corner and cry.
By this morning he has worked himself into a rage. Can always tell by the ranting and refusal to listen to anything I say, not even answers to questions he asks. He only pretends to ask as an excuse to continue ranting. It is all getting so old.

Thursday, March 31, 2016


Bill just came through my bedroom door and caught me sewing, plus running the electric heater in my bathroom before going to bed.
So now I am in trouble because I went to bed an hour ago and shut the bedroom door but didn't go to sleep. What an ass; why does he think he is in charge of whether and when  I go to bed? I can't even imagine thinking I needed to monitor when another adult went to bed. That is what doors are for; so a person can do what they like without bothering anybody else.


But on the whole I prefer him not speaking to me. He has been stomping around yelling about me not doing anything around here and him having to take care of everything. All this because I said I would be going to buy groceries for my trip to the ride this weekend and did he want anything from the store. Evidently it is all my fault that we didn't go together to the grocery store anytime in the last 3 days. I did point out that he hasn't spoken to me since Sunday so how were we supposed to even make a grocery list. That just led to more stomping around and yelling that he is not speaking to me now either so I better just get my own food and he will get his.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016


He must be getting lonely. I actually got a response (monosyllabic) to 2 different questions I asked, oh boy, AND he changed the oil in my truck. I knew it was due, but also knew if I reminded him, that he wouldn't change it at all.

No change

Although he DID say no when I asked if he had fed the dog. Wowee, big progess. But I guess on top of joining me to watch a DVD I picked last night, it means he is getting lonesome. Not me, I rather like not being "helped", or instructed, or downright ordered how when and where to do absolutely everything.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016


2days in a row now , he has gotten in the car and gone to town without a word to me. Hasn't brought home any groceries; hasn't asked if we needed anything. I managed to put together a nice stir fry tonight and will do a tuna casserole tomorrow if need be, without the benefit of fresh groceries. I can even do a split pea soup Thur night if I have to, but I am leaving for the M&M ride Friday morning regardless. I will have to get my own groceries on Thursday whether he is speaking to me or not.
I really wonder what he gets out of this behavior. I spent most of the morning sewing in the bedroom, but as soon as I joined him in the front room to read, he left the room and went into the other room to watch a DVD. Tonight he never spoke a word during supper., so as soon as I cleaned up, I went into the other room to watch a DVD myself. He didn't speak but did sit down and watch with me until the end. Refused to say good night afterwards though. What a pain in the ass.
His plan is probably to make me so miserable that I won't go on the M&M ride, but it is not going to work this time. He did this before the Man Vs Horse last fall and I was so upset I pulled not 5 miles in. Not going to happen this time.
He only wants me to stay home so he can make sure I am miserable. Why would anybody want to be that way?

Continue to hate

Now this morning he has started to sit and glare at me in the same room rather than leave the room I am in like he did yesterday. Refuses to reply to questions or comments still. What a pain in the ass. It is cold and windy outside so I will just have to ignore him until he gets tired of this idiocy.

Monday, March 28, 2016

About drunkenness

Sometimes it is the only defense. I could go to the doctor and try to get a super heavy duty antidepressant, but I have done that before, and it makes me basically uncaring and nonfunctional on any level. I keep it in mind in case of need, but actually find that drinking every evening is a better solution. That way I can still function during the day and try to anesthetize myself at night. Evening is when his nastiness and malice hit the hardest, as there is less to do and think about.
Today I am still being punished for last night's defense. I made a very yummy ham, hominy, and blackeyed pea stew with leftover vegetables. Not a word out of him, just ate and refused to speak the entire meal. Me, I just make light small talk and try to pretend that he is NOT a total asshole and refusing to speak in order to punish me for speaking.

Sheer meanness

He hasn't spoken to me since yesterday even when I thanked him for shoeing my horse. He always leaves it til the last minute. If I cave and remind him, he either doesn't do it at all or waits until the day before I leave. Just another way to control me. I can't wait to get away for a few days by going to the M&M ride. I don't care if I place or even complete, as long as I can get away and ride my horse like I want to and eat and sleep like I want to, and socialize with people like I want to, for a few days. I will put up with almost anything beforehand just so I can go do that.

Constant Hatred

Its wearing me down. He is so angry about my comment that I fail to see why he needs to abuse me that he hasnt spoken to me since last night.  This is pretty much a good thing, except that when he does start speaking, he will yell at me for hours no matter what I do or so, and end by attempting to kick me out yet again.  It gets really tiring, especially as the scenario never changes.  I have to be punished by trying to disagree with him on any subject whatsoever.
I think part of the problem is that he resents the fact that I have started to quilt again.  I had to stop 7 years ago because of that. He doesnt want me to do anything at any time except what he is doing.  Reading is wrong because he doesnt like to read much.  Quilting is especially wrong because I dont even do it in the same room with him.  The only acceptable indoor activity is to watch the Dvds he chooses while he sleeps in the same room.  I am not even allowed to be the one who sleeps.  ANy napping on my part leads to yelling and accusations of drunkenness and sneaking and staying up too late.  Etc. Life is not too much fun these days.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Time was........

Used to be, when he forced me to give up something or someone that I loved, he would treat me somewhat better for a while. I mean, up to a month in the beginning, but down to a week in the last 5 years or so. Recently though, relative peace doesn't even last a few days. So, I vow to stop giving up what I love. If it doesn't even make him back off for a few days, why do it? Its forever whenever I have to get rid of someone or something. Most recent case in point is my Sophie Sapphire. According to him, its all her fault that we can't ride together happily. She is too much horse; her gaits are too fast; etc. Bullshit. If I cave and sell her, it won't be a day before something else is a big unsolvable problem and the only way to solve it is to get rid of it or them. I just can't cope with this shit anymore.