Thursday, March 31, 2016


Bill just came through my bedroom door and caught me sewing, plus running the electric heater in my bathroom before going to bed.
So now I am in trouble because I went to bed an hour ago and shut the bedroom door but didn't go to sleep. What an ass; why does he think he is in charge of whether and when  I go to bed? I can't even imagine thinking I needed to monitor when another adult went to bed. That is what doors are for; so a person can do what they like without bothering anybody else.


But on the whole I prefer him not speaking to me. He has been stomping around yelling about me not doing anything around here and him having to take care of everything. All this because I said I would be going to buy groceries for my trip to the ride this weekend and did he want anything from the store. Evidently it is all my fault that we didn't go together to the grocery store anytime in the last 3 days. I did point out that he hasn't spoken to me since Sunday so how were we supposed to even make a grocery list. That just led to more stomping around and yelling that he is not speaking to me now either so I better just get my own food and he will get his.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016


He must be getting lonely. I actually got a response (monosyllabic) to 2 different questions I asked, oh boy, AND he changed the oil in my truck. I knew it was due, but also knew if I reminded him, that he wouldn't change it at all.

No change

Although he DID say no when I asked if he had fed the dog. Wowee, big progess. But I guess on top of joining me to watch a DVD I picked last night, it means he is getting lonesome. Not me, I rather like not being "helped", or instructed, or downright ordered how when and where to do absolutely everything.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016


2days in a row now , he has gotten in the car and gone to town without a word to me. Hasn't brought home any groceries; hasn't asked if we needed anything. I managed to put together a nice stir fry tonight and will do a tuna casserole tomorrow if need be, without the benefit of fresh groceries. I can even do a split pea soup Thur night if I have to, but I am leaving for the M&M ride Friday morning regardless. I will have to get my own groceries on Thursday whether he is speaking to me or not.
I really wonder what he gets out of this behavior. I spent most of the morning sewing in the bedroom, but as soon as I joined him in the front room to read, he left the room and went into the other room to watch a DVD. Tonight he never spoke a word during supper., so as soon as I cleaned up, I went into the other room to watch a DVD myself. He didn't speak but did sit down and watch with me until the end. Refused to say good night afterwards though. What a pain in the ass.
His plan is probably to make me so miserable that I won't go on the M&M ride, but it is not going to work this time. He did this before the Man Vs Horse last fall and I was so upset I pulled not 5 miles in. Not going to happen this time.
He only wants me to stay home so he can make sure I am miserable. Why would anybody want to be that way?

Continue to hate

Now this morning he has started to sit and glare at me in the same room rather than leave the room I am in like he did yesterday. Refuses to reply to questions or comments still. What a pain in the ass. It is cold and windy outside so I will just have to ignore him until he gets tired of this idiocy.

Monday, March 28, 2016

About drunkenness

Sometimes it is the only defense. I could go to the doctor and try to get a super heavy duty antidepressant, but I have done that before, and it makes me basically uncaring and nonfunctional on any level. I keep it in mind in case of need, but actually find that drinking every evening is a better solution. That way I can still function during the day and try to anesthetize myself at night. Evening is when his nastiness and malice hit the hardest, as there is less to do and think about.
Today I am still being punished for last night's defense. I made a very yummy ham, hominy, and blackeyed pea stew with leftover vegetables. Not a word out of him, just ate and refused to speak the entire meal. Me, I just make light small talk and try to pretend that he is NOT a total asshole and refusing to speak in order to punish me for speaking.

Sheer meanness

He hasn't spoken to me since yesterday even when I thanked him for shoeing my horse. He always leaves it til the last minute. If I cave and remind him, he either doesn't do it at all or waits until the day before I leave. Just another way to control me. I can't wait to get away for a few days by going to the M&M ride. I don't care if I place or even complete, as long as I can get away and ride my horse like I want to and eat and sleep like I want to, and socialize with people like I want to, for a few days. I will put up with almost anything beforehand just so I can go do that.

Constant Hatred

Its wearing me down. He is so angry about my comment that I fail to see why he needs to abuse me that he hasnt spoken to me since last night.  This is pretty much a good thing, except that when he does start speaking, he will yell at me for hours no matter what I do or so, and end by attempting to kick me out yet again.  It gets really tiring, especially as the scenario never changes.  I have to be punished by trying to disagree with him on any subject whatsoever.
I think part of the problem is that he resents the fact that I have started to quilt again.  I had to stop 7 years ago because of that. He doesnt want me to do anything at any time except what he is doing.  Reading is wrong because he doesnt like to read much.  Quilting is especially wrong because I dont even do it in the same room with him.  The only acceptable indoor activity is to watch the Dvds he chooses while he sleeps in the same room.  I am not even allowed to be the one who sleeps.  ANy napping on my part leads to yelling and accusations of drunkenness and sneaking and staying up too late.  Etc. Life is not too much fun these days.