Saturday, October 17, 2015

And on and on

Now he is insisting on eating NOW,   not even 7 yet, and accusing me of overcooking the stew.  Killing myself is beginning to look like a better solution all the time.

Inconsistency, or why do I always have to be the scapegoat?

Get this.  The same asshole that had a horrible screaming fit at me 2 nights ago because I started cooking too early (at around 5:30) and he didnt want to eat until after dark has NOW had a screaming fit because it was 5:30 and I hadnt started cooking yet!  I am so sick and tired of this crap.  I am beginning to wonder if I can outlast him, if I can stay alive until he dies.  Sometimes that is the only way I can go on, by telling myself how I CAN outlive him, how surely he will kick the bucket when I can still appreciate the time along.  But I dont know.  It is harder all the time, as his mental state gets more and more unstable, and he denies statements he has made and things he has done, etc.  And accuses me of everything you can imagine thats bad.  I am damned if I speak up about anything, and damned if I dont, because he has decided he always knows what I am thinking.
I rarely speak at home anymore, but I doubt if it helps.
It must have been like this for my mother when my dad went demented.

Saturday, October 10, 2015


Here I am in Buckeye again. Why does he want to get rid of me so badly? I just can't understand why hw puts so much effort into driving me away? He says I drink too much wine but since,when is 3 glasses of wine of an evening too much? Hell. The wine helps him, since it keeps me from fighting back against his sheer meanness and everyday nastiness? Its really the only thing that allows me to stand living with him.

Tuesday, October 06, 2015

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