Drinking

Every time I think I'm going to be able to stop drinking, he has one of his screaming, spitting, foaming-at-the-mouth fis about something, anything, and I realize once again that I can not live here with h without being anesthesized.

and

Dont forget the most telling problem of all. He just can't stand the fact that I prefer to sleep with my bedroom door closed. It means that he can't control what I am doing in there-sleeping- and has a meltdown about it every few days. I don't care. I have a right to be out from under his  thumb at least when I sleep.

Flee

The only thing I can do at this point is fell. I am drinking too much in effort to cope with the way he treats me, plus my blood pressure is way too high and fibromyalgia hurts me practically all the time.I am a wreck, and all he is interested in is either yelling at me or glaring at me all the time. He has shit fits if I sew at all, if I read when he is not reading, if I try to watch a DVD that isn't a favorite of his, etc. He did agree to go see a marriage counselor when I get back from CO but came right out and said he is counting on the counselor to point out that I am completely crazy and need to either get divorced or medicated into total submission. He is in for a real shock.

Why

Why is the asshole's perfect time to start his fits so often near mealtimes? It is like he has a built in timer. Near a mealtime, start shit. The excuse this time is that I took $10 out of the grocery envelope yesterday to, duh, buy groceries he asked for when I went to Chino to the dr. Now he is hysterically angry because I took HIS grocery money to buy what HE asked for. I am afraid that I did point out that it is not completely HIS grocery money, as he does insist that MY social security check go into his account that the grocery money comes out of. That has only led to even more screaming fit. I am so tired of this shit.

Why does he insist on ruining mealtimes?

Tonight I worked hard on a new meal, Greek Feta chicken along with a Greek salad bowl underneath. He didn't even sit down to the table before launching into a diatribe about h having to eat food he hasn't seen before. I have only been talking about this meal and telling him what was in store for a week!
This on top of being so mean before the meal last night t h at I couldn't eat at all.  Sometimes I just hate him. So much / oh what does is so useless, with no other purpose than hatred,and law as us directed at me. I don't deserve it.

Hatred and quilting

He was so nasty about me quilting back in Buckeye that o was only allowed to quilt when he wasn't home. That was doable as long as he was working and I wasn't. Became a huge problem, to him, when he retired and I had to go back to work. I had to give up quilting completely for years and years, as he required all my attention whenever I wasn't working.
Now we are both retired and there is NO REASON why I shouldn't quilt whenever I want. That is according to me. But he is bitching about it more and more, even though I have limited myself to no more than an hour per day, when he is reading/asleep with a book. Doesn't seem to matter to him. Now I am a bad person because I am taking time away from him and the horses to quilt/creating beautiful useful textile works of art.
Why can't he just let me be? I compromise and compromise. I sublimate. I attempt to be and do whatever he wants and keep quiet about what I actually think. Nothing is good enough for him. He wants to control every minute of every day and even control my very thoughts.

What is the answer?

So what are you supposed to do when you are asked a question and there is only one answer that will be accepted and you have no idea what that answer is supposed to be? Meltdown is coming 90% of the the time, as there is just no tracking what answer he wants this time. I suspect that he would change the answer if I happened to give the one he wanted anyway. The point here is not to have a discussion or elicit information; the point is to have a yellfest and make sure I feel as bad as possible, since that makes him feel as good as possible. How much longer can I live with this?

Warpath

He's on the warpath again, although I am not sure why. Things went to hell yesterday afternoon, when I hadn't even been home from the ride for 24 hours. He wanted to look at craigslist on my computer which is fine, but wouldn't look by himself for 5 minutes. AJ, come look at this. Then waiting until I tried to go do something, anything. AJ come look at this. I would TRY to look at it as wanting to share things with me except that he makes it so clear that he is totally uninterested in what I think about what he wants me to look at.
By suppertime I was a bit short about his interference with the way I was cooking and how I set up the table for the hot dishes. Why oh why does he need to go rearrange everything I did? And then he gets mad when I put it back the way I wanted it.
And after supper he made it very clear that he wasn't going to watch a DVD with me by sitting down in another room to read a book. So I chose a movie that he wouldn't want to watch anyway and sat down myself to watch it. That REALLY pissed him off. I don't know; I guess I was supposed to sit in a corner and cry.
By this morning he has worked himself into a rage. Can always tell by the ranting and refusal to listen to anything I say, not even answers to questions he asks. He only pretends to ask as an excuse to continue ranting. It is all getting so old.