Saturday, October 17, 2015

And on and on

Now he is insisting on eating NOW,   not even 7 yet, and accusing me of overcooking the stew.  Killing myself is beginning to look like a better solution all the time.

Inconsistency, or why do I always have to be the scapegoat?

Get this.  The same asshole that had a horrible screaming fit at me 2 nights ago because I started cooking too early (at around 5:30) and he didnt want to eat until after dark has NOW had a screaming fit because it was 5:30 and I hadnt started cooking yet!  I am so sick and tired of this crap.  I am beginning to wonder if I can outlast him, if I can stay alive until he dies.  Sometimes that is the only way I can go on, by telling myself how I CAN outlive him, how surely he will kick the bucket when I can still appreciate the time along.  But I dont know.  It is harder all the time, as his mental state gets more and more unstable, and he denies statements he has made and things he has done, etc.  And accuses me of everything you can imagine thats bad.  I am damned if I speak up about anything, and damned if I dont, because he has decided he always knows what I am thinking.
I rarely speak at home anymore, but I doubt if it helps.
It must have been like this for my mother when my dad went demented.

Saturday, October 10, 2015


Here I am in Buckeye again. Why does he want to get rid of me so badly? I just can't understand why hw puts so much effort into driving me away? He says I drink too much wine but since,when is 3 glasses of wine of an evening too much? Hell. The wine helps him, since it keeps me from fighting back against his sheer meanness and everyday nastiness? Its really the only thing that allows me to stand living with him.

Tuesday, October 06, 2015

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Saturday, August 29, 2015

I retired a year ago, and moved to Paulden to be with my horses, dog, cat, and husband.  I have been riding limited distance endurance rides and have changed horses since I blogged much.  Little Deva was more than capable of doing distance, but she did not enjoy it.  I found her a good home with an everyday trail rider and they are both happy.
I bought a gaited tobiano mare that I am very happy with.  She is talented and athletic but not very friendly.  She hates to be fussed with but takes good care of herself and me.  Sophie Sapphire will be with me until I die or cant ride anymore, whichever comes first.
My marriage relationship is very strained right now.  Actually, it has become more and more strained, first since he retired 8 years ago, and REALLY strained since I retired a year ago. I tell myself that he will eventually stop thinking he needs to control absolutely everything but I dont have much hope.  Control is what he is all about.  Even riding together.  We have to go when, where, how fast, what direction HE decides, or I will pay.  And emotional abuse is his family specialty, honed to a fine edge over the years.  I am not allowed to ride alone.  The only way I can get any conditioning done at faster than a quarter horse jog is ride with someone else.

Long time

I haven't blogged in a very long time, but I need to talk to somebody and Facebook just doesnt meet the need.  Trying to keep things more upbeat there, but I dont always feel upbeat.

Monday, September 17, 2012

A good ride this morning, although I had to put up with unwanted advice from my sig other about how I should handle my horse.  I really dont know where he got the idea that his advice would be helpful, since my horse behaves wayyyy better than his already.  And heaven forbid I should give HIM any advice.  Last time I did that, he was foaming at the mouth when he got through  telling me how insulting it was for me to think I could tell him anything about horses. It is odd, since I was quite successful at competitive trail riding AND rode professionally AND ran a boarding stable when I met him.  Not to mention working first for an Arab breeder, then for a Thoroughbred breeder before having the boarding stable with my ex.
My horse is broke but not really trained, and I am feeling my way back to knowledge of what to do and when to do it to produce the desired result.
One of the presenters at the Southern Arizona Horse Expo last weekend, I forget which, said that you should pay attention to the advice of people whose horse's behavior you admire, and ignore those with skanky horses, no matter how much said people spent on them. Good advice, I think.

Oh well. This morning we rode together, but I have made it clear that I am going for a ride this evening by myself.  After all, he gets to ride by himself any day I go to work, and that is when you and your horse really learn about each other. Western this morning, English this evening.  I looked at an Aussie saddle on Saturday that I would really like to have but cant really justify owning 3 saddles with only one horse.  Maybe if I get another horse???

Monday, August 06, 2012

Saturday, August 04, 2012


It has been a week now since we nearly lost our Sam and it still makes
me shiver.
We went for a ride together, with both dogs running along. We moved
at a pretty long trot for a ways down a dirt road and Sam must have
stopped off to roll in something nasty because when we pulled up, he
was not with us any more.
We didnt worry too much, not then, as we still had Pete, we were only
a couple of miles from home, and Sam knows his way home anyway. But
we never saw him again on the ride, even though we passed pretty close
to the way out on the return trip, and I called him a couple of times.
We thought he had just gone home after realizing we were moving
faster than he wanted to.
So Bill got in the Jeep and went back along our route, calling Sam
periodically. Nothing.
He came back and got me, and we went again in the Liberty (Sam's
favorite vehicle) and went again. Finally, when we stopped on a hill
to call, he came blasting across the desert to us as fast as he could
go, from the direction of a group of houses. He wasnt thirsty, but
his front feet were all torn up and wet and dirty and the nails were
raw. He must have had to dig or climb a wire fence to get away from
whoever took him.
Sam is a very friendly dog, and probably the politest dog you will
ever meet. If somebody called him, or asked him to come into a pen,
he would have done it. THEN. I doubt if he will ever do it again.


One of the worst things about having arthritis in my hands is that it
is SO hard to clean my glasses. That movement back and forth, with
the hand folded over the lens, is just excruciating. I hate it. I
had to give up knitting completely because of the pain, but one can
hardly give up cleaning her glasses.