Tuesday, July 03, 2018

Even this forum insists on changing words as you go along. It is so frustrating to try and write anything. You have to keep going back to change the words back to what you wrote in the first place, and often more than once. Even in my last post, it changed the word xray twice and even then managed another sneak change before I published. I wonder if that will happen again.

Things have not really improved. Oh, intermittently, but not on a sustained basis. Got up this morning and was told that since HE is feeling unhappy, I am required to lose 40 lbs, sell 2 horses, and find a better dr. The better dr part is because I had an appointment yesterday and came home with a referral for a hip xray rather than being diagnosed and cured right then and there.
I MUST get away from him for a week or so, just so I can think and breathe. Will go ahead and get xrays first and then, dammit, get in the truck and drive!

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

No tracking

Refuses to give a time or approximate time what he's cooking will be done, but will be madder than hell if what I am cooking isn't ready at exactly the same time.

Emotional abuse number 5678.....

He made me stop seeing a therapist because I was talking to her about my biggest problem. That being HIS treatment of me. Its not allowed to have anyone else know how he treats me.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017


Because making sure I feel bad is the only thing that seems to make him happy now.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017


I think I have finally figured it out. He is trying to drive me to suicide so that he won't have to split up our community property if/when I leave him.
This continual emotional abuse is hard to take. He wants me near him all the time and has horrible fits when I try to do anything on my own. Especially and including trying to sew.
And yet sewing is necessary for my emotional health. Wait, no wonder it is forbidden.

Saturday, February 04, 2017

Sustained torture

Can I hold out until he starts having strokes? I have tried to think so, especially as the screaming, spitting, and foaming at the mouth rages have any increased. But I am no longer sure I can do it. He is so far gone that he wants to throw me out now, with surgery in the nextonth, and he has decided that HE will decide what kind of surgery, and HE will have me declared incompetent, because "he can no longer control me". It would be such a relief to live elsewhere, ANY elsewhere, but I am so depressed and unhappy I haven't been able to do anything about it.


I believe he is actually trying to throw me out even BEFORE my next cancer surgery. I have found that hard to believe even for him but the last couple of days' behavior  are definitely pointing that way.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Make up, sure.

He started speaking again yesterday, but it didn't take long to figure out that it was only so he could bitch at me and run me down. I got a few more hours respite by poibing out that it was so much better around here when he was refusing to speak.
But today he pretended to make up again but by this evening all he wanted to do was bitch about politics and how stupid I am to be upset over what has happened to this country with it being taken over by deplorables. Went on until all I could do was sit and cry; I am crying now just thinking about it.
Course, once I was reduced to a quivering, crying lump he was happy and then wondered why I was so stupidly upset over politics.
I swear, I fantasize about being free of this abuse. I an sure it will never happen though. His mother was totally negative and mean until the end of her life and he learned his relationship behavior from her. She DID however start having strokes toward the end, and once she couldn't talk anymore, he started to go visit her. Before that, he hadn't seen her in years because NO WAY would he put up with being treated the same way he treats others.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Standard abuser behavior

I read an article today about how the Trump uses standard abuser behavior to get his way, and it made all kinds of bells and whistles go off on my head.
Refusal to compromise on anything; willingness to go to war over the smallest slight. Check.
Exaggerated horrible behavior so that a return to everyday meanness and malice seems benign by comparison. Check.
Micromanaging, ordering about, mansplaining, general distrust of anyone's ability to do ANYTHING right. Check.

It is truly amazing. My spouse says he is totally against the Cheeto and everything he stands for. But his behavior and attitudes make that a big lie.

Tonight he sat down at the table and ate the butternut squash soup and homemade dinner rolls at the same time and place that I did. Wonder of wonders. Although he did make it a big point to say that there wouldn't be conversation that would prevent me from continuing to do what I please. I nearly choked on a snort. Yeah right, like this is happening for me to do what I please. He can play his silly games if he wants to, but I just don't feel like participating. I didn't bother to answer. After all, what is the point?