Nastiness and resentment at home

Its always hard to believe when my DH acts in a nasty unreasonable way about something. Even after nearly 30 years of marriage, I persist in thinking he's at heart a nicer person than he actually is, I guess. I'm the eternal optimist; he is the pessimist.
Anyway, I took the day off today; gave my 8.5 hours shift to another cashier who really needs the hours, a single mother whose laid off ex isn't sending child support anymore. It is my ONLY day off this week, as I went to school both of my originally scheduled days off.
Now why does my DH react to this with such meanness and resentment? Since he hasn't worked in nearly 2 years, did he forget that a person needs a day to regroup once in a while? Or does he just not care about that, because he thinks going to school IS avoiding work? Is he worried about money? HE could get a job, duh?
OK, I think that is probably it. He would never admit it, but I bet he is afraid that I will not earn enough to carry on and he will have to get some kind of part-time work himself. That would really cut into his time with his girlfriend, which he actually says is a job, but never seems to produce any income.
It has obviously not occurred to him that I am really incapable of working as a cashier ON MY FEET for more than 8 hours a day, physically I mean. Being so totally friendly and wonderful for that long is hard enough but to maintain it while your whole body is screaming in pain gets harder and harder as the hours slowly pass. Perhaps I should share that fact with him, but I doubt if it will make any difference in his attitude.
s

Spend less than you earn

I bought an Aqueon Water Changer at PetSmart on Friday to make cleaning my pond much easier, as I have been watching it in use for months now, and can see how well it works. Pricey, but worth it.
However, Saturday my Viking Sapphire went on the blink and I have to take it to be serviced this week, SOOOO, the Aqueon has to go back for my money back. Good thing I didn't get around to using it right away. It hasn't even been opened. People do bring things back that have been opened and even used and expect their money back, but I am not one of those people. It is against my outdated and unwelcome moral/ethical code and that's that.
Damn, I sure liked the days when I had enough money to do both at the same time. Course, I guess I didn't really. I just used to use the credit card for one of them. No longer an option. Those days are gone forever.
We finally paid off my foolish credit card balances and I have learned my lesson. Sure, I remember an item here and there that I bought on credit, but guess what. We are mostly not living any worse without my credit card purchases than we were with them, and now we don't owe anybody anything.
DH has been harping on this for years; that is why they were MY credit card purchases and I can only feel lucky that he did participate in helping me pay them off after he lost his job and I had to start paying for living expenses as well as whatever I please.

Guess I'm going to live

Day before yesterday, on my third day off in a row, Igot so nauseous and nervy and jangly I felt like I was having a low-level anxiety attack, or, if in 1972, was in the 2nd day of doing speed with no sleep. It was awful, and stayed that way.
So yesterday, instead of going to work, I was on my doctor's office doorstep at 8 AM wanting to find out what was wrong with me. The doctor I saw wasn't my regular, but he seemed competent. Except that he didn't have the faintest idea what was wrong with me. From looking at my file, he wanted it to have something to do with Crohn's Disease, but I don't think so.
You know, he didn't even listen to my heart. ANd wasn't interested in any kind of lab work, blood or urine. This bothers me. Are my standards artificially high? It seems like something was called for rather than a script for nausea and to be told to come back or go to the ER if I start to vomit.
Anyway, I have been taking the meds, and I have been drinking a lot (he also said I was dehydrated) and I feel much better, except for headaches which go with the cloudy weather.
So I'll be going back to work in the morning. I hope my bosses understand sickness, but I do have a doctor's excuse to give them for my file anyway.

Nobody hears

So, what do you do when there is nobody left who wants to hear you? Nobody who will listen just because they love you, even if they have heard the stories before. Nobody who thinks you are interesting, and worth hearing. Nobody.

Back pain continued

I did make a special trip to the chiro and I feel a lot better. My sacrum was off, which it used to a lot several years ago. I missed the signs this time because the rib out pain was so much closer to my head, I guess. Anyway, I really DO have to start doing my lower back yoga exercises to keep my sacrum straight and avoid having to get it put back every time I bend over or twist. I have a Healthy Back Yoga dvd that I have never watched. I will do that after lunch today, I promise.

Back pain

My lower back hurts so much this morning that I am contemplating another visit to the chiropractor today. I just went, after work last evening, but I thought most of the pain was mid-back then, and that is all I had him fix. SInce that pain is now gone, my LOWER back had decided to scream at me whenever I move, and sometimes when I think I'm perfectly still.
I guess I have talked myself into it. I really hate driving all the way into town and wasting half my day off, but I guess it is necessary.

Seldom Seen

I log on to the computer so seldom anymore that my record here is getting even worse. By the time I read email, my computer time is up. Or I should say, my ability to ignore everything else is used up.
Wouldn't it seem to you that I should be able to do whatever on my days off, now that DH is retired? But NO, he cooks, but he doesn't do laundry unless I put it in the washer before I leave for work. But he won't fold the clothes when he brings them in off the line, so if I have him do laundry, I have to iron anything I want to actually wear. Not.
He doesn't seem to do housework either, unless very ostentatiously, in front of me, after I get home. And he's making nasty remarks about how he can't stand it any more the whole time he is sweeping. I could probably manage to ignore that in prior days, but now I am so tired when I get home that it just makes me cry. That seems to be his purpose, to make me feel as bad as possible.
ANd even when he DOES do something like dishes or sweeping, he NEVER finishes the job. He only does it half-assed, so the house looks no better after he does it.. Why bother?
And don't even get me started on bathrooms. He doesn't want me using HIS (the public) bathroom because I "mess" it up, but HE certainly never cleans it, nor does he ever clean the shower or sink in MY bathroom, which he uses every day. I am just unable to ignore his nasty toilet and sink because anybody that comes over will be using that one.
So anyway, I already should be cleaning instead of writing here.

Frustration

My chances to actually do some sewing/quilting are so limited now. Even when I have a day off that DH is not here, I still have so many things to do that I'm lucky to have an hour or two to sew. So when I DO sit down, I want to have everything I need right there.
Today I ran out of my dark purple fabric for my Eureka Log Cabin. I can cut or sew no more until I replace it. So to the stash closet I went in perfect confidence that another dark purple would shortly be forthcoming. HA!!!
I, I'm ashamed to admit, got so frustrated and angry that I pulled 3/4ths of my stash down on the floor in wild disarray. And no, I didn't find another dark purple. I found several lighter shades to use when I run out of them in other blocks, but definitely NO DARK PURPLE. Shall I switch to black or dark blue or what? If I don't switch, I am stuck until another payday, a week away, when I can buy a yard at Bearly Stitchin. By the way, I went into JoAnn to buy a zipper last Friday, and I did look at their fabrics. But they charge nearly as much as a real quilt shop for really cheesey fabric. I am spoiled, I guess, from buying so much quality fabric over the years. I just don't want to even sew with that nasty cheap but expensive JoANn stuff.
And yes, I am still paying for all my quilt shop fabrics with my credit card debt which is the reason I can't even buy one yard of fabric without waiting for payday.
I give half of whatever I gross to DH and he applies it to one big credit card bill or medical insurance premiums. I use whats left to pay another cc bill and my line of credit payment and if there is anything left I buy whatever I want. Could be anything but isn't much of anything, as there isn't much money.
Things will improve if I can get on full-time at work. My paycheck last week was the first one with full-time hours (since somebody quit and I filled in) and I recklessly spent my share on candy and pop. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
DH is right to insist that he take care of the bills and that I give him most of the money, but I do hate to admit it. I don't think I would do it again, get myself in trouble financially, I mean, but you never know. I was on Zoloft when I was running up those bills and I just thought everything would work out somehow. Now I am not on Zoloft and I just don't see how it can ever come out all right.
I do a lot of crying but it is probably still better to not be on Zoloft.

Migraines

I have one right now so bad I had to call in sick to work, and the weather map says the pressure is 30.18.  I want to keep track to see if I can predict these a bit better.

 

I do love my job

I finally went online and signed up for the part-timer's medical insurance at my work, and it is a good thing. You are required to sign up within 45 days of your hire date or else wait until open enrollment, and I would have missed the deadline if I hadn't started asking questions and not getting answers when I did.
When I got to work the next day I did fill in the new manager about this, and he made sure that packets were printed out and given to all the other part-timers that very day. I am the second newest employee though, so everyone else will have to wait until open enrollment if they want the insurance. That is only till May for this plan, but it would have been too long for me. My COBRA benefits run out only a few days after my new plan takes effect.
So my assertiveness (a nice way to say pushy) paid off in this instance.

Depressed

Well, not really by clinical standards, but I did ask the MD to increase my Zoloft dosage, and he did. My cholesterol is 248 and I do have to start taking drugs for that, I have had absolutely no results from trying to lose weight, and DH had a horrible fit on Sunday. Its amazing how many things I always do wrong according to him, and did you know that it is controlling to suggest which egg he should eat for breakfast. I didn't either. As near as I can figure, I should never ever say anything on any subject AND when he asks me a question, I better know in advance what answer he wants or there will be another tirade about stupid people and nobody understands English, etc.
It wouldn't be so bad if he ever apologized or at least said he didn't mean some of the awful things he says, but that has happened maybe twice in 27 years, and NOT recently.
On the bright side, we have 3 hens setting, the new baby Buff Catalanas are growing, and Robin is a constant joy. She keeps me going.

Cell phone update

Well, I have started to use it sporadically and did even succeed in calling myself from home. The big problem was that I don't get a good signal in my studio at home and I am so green I didn't know what the symbols meant. When I turned on the phone at work so I could get my co-worker to help me with it (and she is 76!), it went right to telling me how to set up my Voice Mail.
I have even managed to program a few numbers. But I tried driving, only in my driveway, and couldn't divide my attention enough to feel like I could drive safely. AND it was only my driveway. I suspect most everybody else is the same way, only they somehow have the ability to ignore that fact. Its kinda like driving at night. I am sure nobody else can see very well either, only they manage to ignore it and just trust to their God, I guess. I only have myself to trust, and she has proven untrustworthy at times, so I slow down some and really pay attention. I can't IMAGINE trying to talk on the phone, in the dark, and drive.

First cell phone

Well, I finally bought a cell phone.  I did it because I was pissed.  I went to look at a building for sale last week, and was supposed to then call DH before he left his work so he could go see it too.  I had several other places to go, so I thought I could easily find a phone.  Yeah, sure.  I never noticed before that there aren't phone booths everywhere any more.  In fact, I couldn't find one period.  And stores and such won't let you use their phones either.  Got to keep an open line for business, you know.  So I finally went to the big store that shall remain nameless and bought a prepaid phone.  I couldn't activate it right then, so I browbeat the little girl who sold it to me into letting me use her phone to call DH.

Since I am about as far from a techie as you can get, it took me a couple of hours to get it activated with the website.  I still couldnt figure out how to make a call, but took it along to Quilting in the Desert. 

I was going to be later getting home than I had planned, so I had somebody show me how to make a call (Duh, punch in the number and press send) and I was able to call DH and tell him not to wait up.  Thought I was so smart.  I have made a couple of calls since then.  But now I need to know how to receive a call and have had no luck using the instruction book or the website either.  They seem to  assume a certain level of familiarity with this stuff and skip the very basic.  I finally had to email the company and am now waiting to hear from them.  I have called the cell from my home phone and get a message that my call is being forwarded to a mailbox.  I don't WANT it to be forwarded; I WANT it to ring, or vibrate, or whatever, and it won't.  And I have no idea how to access that mailbox either.  Anyway, I hope somebody nice will answer my email and give me some answers.

 

 

AJ Wischmeyer, Quiltmaker

ajwisch@joimail.com

http://luvkuku.blogspot.com/

 

 

Browbeat, continued

Reading over the previous post made me think maybe I was too emphatic, and maybe its not really that bad. I was going to post the next day and say so, but I had to go to work.  When I walked out the door, DH was holding the broom and saying that it was getting way too rustic in here for him.  I thought that he was going to sweep, as he was going to be home all day while I worked.  Yeah, sure.

So the next day, Sunday, I said I was going to vacuum while he was outside doing some stuff, and he had a FIT.  The tirade about how he tries to spend Sundays with me ( generally asleep on the couch) and that I could easily do all the housework and laundry on the 3 or 4 days that he goes to work if only I didn't spend all my time stupidly in the studio (frequently trying to machine quilt for customers or work on the computer for my museum job).  Yada, yada, yada.  The fact that I make most of my small income working IN MY STUDIO and that I never ask him for money because of it, and that HE PREVENTS ME from working in there when he is home mean nothing to him.  The only thing important to him is that I be available, in the same room or outside with him, and paying attention to him instead of even doing something else side by side. 

Uh oh, I'm getting carried away again.

I have to go to the doctor tomorrow and tell him I haven't taken any meds yet. 

 

AJ in AZ

 

 

 

Being browbeat

  I'm getting more and more bothered lately by the browbeating ways of my DH.  Or, am I overly sensitive and just a total wuss and tone of voice doesn't mean anything, as he states?  I don't know.  If the latter, then I just don't know the difference.  We HAVE been married for 27 years, so why is it bothering me more than usual now?  But the litany of injustices I feel continues to grow and I'm getting pretty depressed about it. 

  For instance, my chicken hobby was a LOT more fun before he got interested in it and decided that, as usual, everything should be done HIS way.  Now 3 out of my 4 chicken coops contain his breed of chickens, and he is agitating to get rid of more of MY chickens because, he says, I have too many in the coop (nesting house) that remains. He won't buy any chicken feed, but has decided to keep some roosters wayyyyy past optimum butchering time because he wants to have backups.  He complains bitterly if any of his chickens ever run low on the expensive natural feed I buy, but will only do any feeding himself out of his hand.  There's a lot more, but you get the idea.

  And there is the matter of my high cholesterol.  When I came home from the doctor with a month's supply of samples to take and lower it quickly (The doctor was so concerned when he got my lab results that he called me to come in right away and get the samples), he had a terrible fit that I was going to be adding yet another drug to the ones that control my fibromyalgia and anxiety.  I tried to stand up to him, but in the end, I agreed to wait for a month before taking the drug, and in the meantime, give up ice cream and regular cheeses, animal fats, etc.  He wants me to get another lab test then.  I DREAD telling the doctor I haven't started the meds yet when he was so concerned about me.  But its easier to upset the doctor than it is to stand up to DH.

  Sometimes I cry for no particular reason.

  Sounds like depression, doesn't it?

  I can just see me telling him I'm depressed.  He sometimes tries to pretend that he is understanding about such things, but under any kind of stress it comes out that he thinks depression is the own fault of the depressed person, and anybody with any intelligence at all will just decide not to be depressed and they won't be any more.  Therefore, if I'm depressed I must not be a. intelligent, b.have no will power, c. take your pick of any other character fault you can think of.

  I should be going to knit with my friends this afternoon, but he is so mean and nasty about me going to town EVERY DAY (not true) that I said I'd stay home today.  I do have to work again tomorrow, so I really didin't have a leg to stand on this time.  But this happens nearly every week.  Sometimes I can stand up to him, but mostly I can't.

  There are so many things I'm not supposed to do when he is home, like quilting, laundry, housework, anything on the computer, that I tend to spend marathons in the studio alternately quilting and working on the computer when he is gone.  But it really makes him mad to come home and find me in the studio, and heaven forbid he should try to call me and have me be on the internet.  He won't leave a message and is real mean about it when he comes home.  And I never know WHEN he is going to come home.  His work house vary a lot, and he frequently goes to Pat's afterward anyway, but I am supposed to be sitting quietly in a chair in a clean house with all laundry already done and put away anytime he arrives.  Needless to say, this is my most frequent failure in his eyes.  I don't keep up with housework very well because I head straight for the studio when he leaves and don't come out until a few minutes before I THINK he might come home.  And of course I often guess wrong and then have to sit there seething because I want to go on sewing or else I'm in trouble because he caught me in the studio.

  I guess you should take all of this with a grain of salt.  I can cope with all of it pretty well most of the time; I am just extra depressed about it right now.