And on and on

Now he is insisting on eating NOW,   not even 7 yet, and accusing me of overcooking the stew.  Killing myself is beginning to look like a better solution all the time.

Inconsistency, or why do I always have to be the scapegoat?

Get this.  The same asshole that had a horrible screaming fit at me 2 nights ago because I started cooking too early (at around 5:30) and he didnt want to eat until after dark has NOW had a screaming fit because it was 5:30 and I hadnt started cooking yet!  I am so sick and tired of this crap.  I am beginning to wonder if I can outlast him, if I can stay alive until he dies.  Sometimes that is the only way I can go on, by telling myself how I CAN outlive him, how surely he will kick the bucket when I can still appreciate the time along.  But I dont know.  It is harder all the time, as his mental state gets more and more unstable, and he denies statements he has made and things he has done, etc.  And accuses me of everything you can imagine thats bad.  I am damned if I speak up about anything, and damned if I dont, because he has decided he always knows what I am thinking.

I rarely speak at home anymore, but I doubt if it helps.

It must have been like this for my mother when my dad went demented.

Why?

Here I am in Buckeye again. Why does he want to get rid of me so badly? I just can't understand why hw puts so much effort into driving me away? He says I drink too much wine but since,when is 3 glasses of wine of an evening too much? Hell. The wine helps him, since it keeps me from fighting back against his sheer meanness and everyday nastiness? Its really the only thing that allows me to stand living with him.

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I retired a year ago, and moved to Paulden to be with my horses, dog, cat, and husband.  I have been riding limited distance endurance rides and have changed horses since I blogged much.  Little Deva was more than capable of doing distance, but she did not enjoy it.  I found her a good home with an everyday trail rider and they are both happy.
I bought a gaited tobiano mare that I am very happy with.  She is talented and athletic but not very friendly.  She hates to be fussed with but takes good care of herself and me.  Sophie Sapphire will be with me until I die or cant ride anymore, whichever comes first.
My marriage relationship is very strained right now.  Actually, it has become more and more strained, first since he retired 8 years ago, and REALLY strained since I retired a year ago. I tell myself that he will eventually stop thinking he needs to control absolutely everything but I dont have much hope.  Control is what he is all about.  Even riding together.  We have to go when, where, how fast, what direction HE decides, or I will pay.  And emotional abuse is his family specialty, honed to a fine edge over the years.  I am not allowed to ride alone.  The only way I can get any conditioning done at faster than a quarter horse jog is ride with someone else.
Later.

Long time

I haven't blogged in a very long time, but I need to talk to somebody and Facebook just doesnt meet the need.  Trying to keep things more upbeat there, but I dont always feel upbeat.