Tomorrow I have an appointment to meet a landlord and see her studio apartment and barn in Williamson Valley. I can work off part of my horse board by helping out with her horses, as she is a trainer and has several going all the time. A woman more for less my age but who has been divorced for many years.
I am terrified to take this big step and realize that the next year will be godawful while trying to extricate myself from this relationship but at the same time I can't wait. I can't go on living like this, with my every thought and utterance monitored and heavily criticized.
I fully expect Bill will contact everyone I know to try and convince them i am crazy to leave him. I know he will even make up shit as he has done in every argument since I have known him. I can't let that stop me yet again from freeing myself from him. In the end, it will be a simple division of assets, with no one interested in whether he wants to hang onto me or not.
Tuesday, October 02, 2018
Monday, October 01, 2018
WordPress.com
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
Narcissist in the house
It is not right that I should have to take antidepressant drugs just to cope with living with him, even when he is making an effort to pretend normalcy. He just cannot resist telling me how to cook, how to even cut the dang green beans. How i should have done the sweet potato, etc. And he thinks this is being super-nice.
Monday, September 24, 2018
Escalation
I may really end up single this time. I alternate between hoping so and being scared to try.
I thought I had mastered the art of seeming to be contrite during his tirades while not providing any additional fuel. But the last couple of weeks his anger has gotten worse and he is starting to get physical about it. Last week he punched me hard in the arm when we were in the truck and he took exception to my passengerside imaginary braking when he rolled through a stop sign.
And now this evening he kicked me, evidently because I wasn't contrite enough about going to the ER with chest pains. In his mind, the panic attack diagnosis means that I must have told at least a hundred people bad things about him and he didn't get a chance to tell them all that he is really wonderful and I am crazy.
Actually nobody including me said a word about him, but it was a mistake to tell him so. He is first and foremost the only person whose thoughts, feelings, actions, matter and that really cranked up the screaming and spitting a notch or 2.
More later.
I thought I had mastered the art of seeming to be contrite during his tirades while not providing any additional fuel. But the last couple of weeks his anger has gotten worse and he is starting to get physical about it. Last week he punched me hard in the arm when we were in the truck and he took exception to my passengerside imaginary braking when he rolled through a stop sign.
And now this evening he kicked me, evidently because I wasn't contrite enough about going to the ER with chest pains. In his mind, the panic attack diagnosis means that I must have told at least a hundred people bad things about him and he didn't get a chance to tell them all that he is really wonderful and I am crazy.
Actually nobody including me said a word about him, but it was a mistake to tell him so. He is first and foremost the only person whose thoughts, feelings, actions, matter and that really cranked up the screaming and spitting a notch or 2.
More later.
Saturday, September 01, 2018
Fwd:
-------- Original Message --------
Subject:
From: AJ Wischmeyer <aj.wischmeyer@gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, August 31, 2018, 10:41 PM
To: AJ Wischmeyer <aj.wischmeyer@gmail.com>
CC:
Tonight's Tantrum
They are all different but they are all the same.
Tonight he is evidently embarrassed about getting out a pork roast to thaw this morning instead of 2 pork chops. I discovered it when l took out the bag to come to room temperature And I was going to season the chops while they sat.
Sooo, I just pointed out that the roast could be sliced horizontally and grilled like boneless chops. Big deal, right?
Tonight he is evidently embarrassed about getting out a pork roast to thaw this morning instead of 2 pork chops. I discovered it when l took out the bag to come to room temperature And I was going to season the chops while they sat.
Sooo, I just pointed out that the roast could be sliced horizontally and grilled like boneless chops. Big deal, right?
I guess it must be a big deal because the verbal abuse raining down on my head was truly impressive, especially with no more ammunition than provided. Screaming about how I am turning the screws and how I am evil and how I devote myself to ruining his life, etc. All this without any input from me whatsoever.
Oh, and how I always wait until he turns on the news before i try to start cooking supper. This alternates with how I can't seem to put supper on the
table in any kind of timely manner because i refuse to start when he is listening to the news.
I have mostly learned to just present a calm facade. Any reply at all will be fuel for additional attacks.
Ends as always with how I can just get in my truck and go to a motel. Course, experience has proven that does no good at all. The attacks will be even worse when I eventually make my way back. And why should I anyway? I haven't done anything wrong, haven't even fought back, haven't tried to justify or deny or anything whatsoever. Does it help?
The more research I do about narcissistic abuse the more I realize that ALL I can do is present a stoneface.
Tuesday, July 03, 2018
Even this forum insists on changing words as you go along. It is so frustrating to try and write anything. You have to keep going back to change the words back to what you wrote in the first place, and often more than once. Even in my last post, it changed the word xray twice and even then managed another sneak change before I published. I wonder if that will happen again.
Things have not really improved. Oh, intermittently, but not on a sustained basis. Got up this morning and was told that since HE is feeling unhappy, I am required to lose 40 lbs, sell 2 horses, and find a better dr. The better dr part is because I had an appointment yesterday and came home with a referral for a hip xray rather than being diagnosed and cured right then and there.
I MUST get away from him for a week or so, just so I can think and breathe. Will go ahead and get xrays first and then, dammit, get in the truck and drive!
I MUST get away from him for a week or so, just so I can think and breathe. Will go ahead and get xrays first and then, dammit, get in the truck and drive!
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