Just checking

It has been so long since I posted. i am getting pretty disillusioned with FB. Nobody really cares what i have to say there. Here, at least, if somebody follows me, it is because they DO want to know what i think. Have to ruminate on next steps. yes!

Life is better.

My arthritis has improved to the point that i am able to knit again, as long as I don't overdo it. This is good, as I have always felt like i should be doing something else at thecsame time when i watch TV. So that has brought me back to Ravelry, and that brought me back here.

Checking in

 It occurred to me that most people might be getting tired of my Facebook posts about my puppy, my garden, my cooking, my life! So I thought I would come here and write sometimes just because I want to write but I don't particularly care if anyone reads it or not. Before I could do anything, I had to delete at least 6 spam posts that were pretending to be me but weren't. If it happens again I will just have to shut the whole thing down. It would be a shame as I have had this blog for so long.

I checked. March 22, 2006 was my first post.

I get trapped in a loop of negative thinking sometimes. Like, why doesn't anybody invite me anywhere? Why did my sister and her family all go to my uncle's and not invite me? Why hasnt anyone invited me to Winey Wednesday?
Well duh, maybe everyone is waiting for me to heal myself and start showing up at these places voluntarily.  I need to become more outgoing and stop just automatically doing everything alone. I KNOW that is the main way I have had to do things for a very long time but those days are ovet. If I want friends I have to make friends. And I am just about there.

So that  is only 34 years that I was treated badly and put up with it. Big deal.
What people need to realize is that it was NEVER all bad, at least not until the last 4 years. Narcissists choose the strongest, most vibrant personalities to destroy because that gives them the most kick. "Wow, I am really wonderful. Look what a great person I have subjugated and destroyed.!"
 In order to do that, the y have to give you enough positive to keep you in the marriage. If they miscalculate the target (you, me), and you get away, they have failed. And that is an unthinkable outcome.

Actually I was pretty much myself, loved and cherished (I thought) from the time I moved in with Bill until after I had the ileostomy surgery in 1984. So that was 4 short years of thinking I was loved, then I had surgery and became well, and became the target of accusations that I had changed the rules, that I was no longer the same person, etc. Yeah, I became well after being sick off and on with Crohn 's disease for more than 10 years. Bad me.

For 38 years, the only time I could be myself was when my husband wasn't around.  Why oh why did it take me so long to realize how very wrong and unacceptable that is was?

I will definitely have a  hangover tomorrow, as I have been reading back in this blog over the last few years. I believe writing here is the only thing that kept me semi-sane. Now I have to concentate on becoming fully sane again.

I DID leave, just over a year ago. So much has happened, but life is just so much better now. It got better as soon as I left, and continues to do so. I have gotten divorced, not without its problems, but it was final May 30. Exspouse remarried 2 weeks later, and announced it by taking his new wife on a trail ride with MY riding club. Luckily I wasn't present at that one.
I have bought a house in my hometown, Hugo, CO, and am going to live happily ever after. I have posted a lot on F acebook, but sometimes want to get deeper in my psyche than FB is really designed for. So here I am.
More soon.

Leaving?

Tomorrow I have an appointment to meet a landlord and see her studio apartment and barn in Williamson Valley. I can work off part of my horse board by helping out with her horses, as she is a trainer and has several going all the time. A woman more for less my age but who has been divorced for many years.
I am terrified to take this big step and realize that the next year will be godawful while trying to extricate myself from this relationship but at the same time I can't wait. I can't go on living like this, with my every thought and utterance monitored and heavily criticized.
I fully expect Bill will contact everyone I know to try and convince them i am crazy to leave him. I know he will even make up shit as he has done in every argument since I have known him. I can't let that stop me yet again from freeing myself from him. In the end, it will be a simple division of assets, with no one interested in whether he wants to hang onto me or not.

[Shared Post] When you have a relationship with a Narcissist you will ALWAYS be admonished, isolated, silenced, punished and BLAMED.

ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse posted: " From my Book - From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+t" AJ Wischmeyer (aj.wischmeyer@gmail.com) shared a post from After Narcissistic Abuse When you have a relationship with a Narcissist you will ALWAYS be admonished, isolated, silenced, punished and BLAMED. by ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse From my Book - From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm Being a victim of Narcissistic abuse is a severely traumatic life experience that you are dealing with by yourself. If the perpetrator is a person you loved, admired, or looked up to as a role […] Read more of this post ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse | September 22, 2018 at 9:02 PM | Categories: Narcissism | URL: https://wp.me/p2wrAq-2gF Comment    See all comments Change your email settings at Manage Notifications. Trouble clicking? Copy and paste this URL into your browser: https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2018/09/22/when-you-have-a-relationship-with-a-narcissist-you-will-always-be-admonished-isolated-silenced-punished-and-blamed/ Thanks for flying with WordPress.com

Narcissist in the house

It is not right that I should have to take antidepressant drugs just to cope with living with him, even when he is making an effort to pretend normalcy. He just cannot resist telling me how to cook, how to even cut the dang green beans. How i should have done the sweet potato, etc. And he thinks this is being super-nice.

Escalation

I may really end up single this time. I alternate between hoping so and being scared to try.
I thought I had mastered the art of seeming to be contrite during his tirades while not providing any additional fuel. But the last couple of weeks his anger has gotten worse and he is starting to get physical about it. Last week he punched me hard in the arm when we were in the truck and he took exception to my passengerside imaginary braking when he rolled through a stop sign.
And now this evening he kicked me, evidently because I wasn't contrite enough about going to the ER with chest pains. In his mind, the panic attack diagnosis means that I must have told at least a hundred people bad things about him and he didn't get a chance to tell them all that he is really wonderful and I am crazy.
Actually nobody including me said a word about him, but it was a mistake to tell him so. He is first and foremost the only person whose thoughts, feelings, actions, matter and that really cranked up the screaming and spitting a notch or 2.
More later.

Fwd:

-------- Original Message --------
Subject:
From: AJ Wischmeyer <aj.wischmeyer@gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, August 31, 2018, 10:41 PM
To: AJ Wischmeyer <aj.wischmeyer@gmail.com>
CC:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recovering-narcissist/2017/08/11-signs-youre-the-victim-of-narcissistic-abuse/

Tonight's Tantrum

They are all different but they are all the same.
Tonight he is evidently embarrassed about getting out a pork roast to thaw this morning instead of 2 pork chops. I discovered it when l took out the bag to come to room temperature And I was going to season the chops while they sat.
Sooo, I just pointed out that the roast could be sliced horizontally and grilled like boneless chops. Big deal, right?

I guess it must be a big deal because the verbal abuse raining down on my head was truly impressive, especially with no more ammunition than provided. Screaming about how I am turning the screws and how I am evil and how I devote myself to ruining his life, etc. All this without any input from me whatsoever.
Oh, and how I always wait until he turns on the news before i try to start cooking supper. This alternates with how I can't seem to put supper on the
table in any kind of timely manner because i refuse to start when he is listening to the news.
I have mostly learned to just present a calm facade. Any reply at all will be fuel for additional attacks.
Ends as always with how I can just get in my truck and go to a motel. Course, experience has proven that does no good at all. The attacks will be even worse when I eventually make my way back. And why should I anyway? I haven't done anything wrong, haven't even fought back, haven't tried to justify or deny or anything whatsoever. Does it help?
The more research I do about narcissistic abuse the more I realize that ALL I can do is present a stoneface.

Even this forum insists on changing words as you go along. It is so frustrating to try and write anything. You have to keep going back to change the words back to what you wrote in the first place, and often more than once. Even in my last post, it changed the word xray twice and even then managed another sneak change before I published. I wonder if that will happen again.

Things have not really improved. Oh, intermittently, but not on a sustained basis. Got up this morning and was told that since HE is feeling unhappy, I am required to lose 40 lbs, sell 2 horses, and find a better dr. The better dr part is because I had an appointment yesterday and came home with a referral for a hip xray rather than being diagnosed and cured right then and there.
I MUST get away from him for a week or so, just so I can think and breathe. Will go ahead and get xrays first and then, dammit, get in the truck and drive!

No tracking

Refuses to give a time or approximate time what he's cooking will be done, but will be madder than hell if what I am cooking isn't ready at exactly the same time.

Emotional abuse number 5678.....

He made me stop seeing a therapist because I was talking to her about my biggest problem. That being HIS treatment of me. Its not allowed to have anyone else know how he treats me.

Why?

Because making sure I feel bad is the only thing that seems to make him happy now.