I get trapped in a loop of negative thinking sometimes. Like, why doesn't anybody invite me anywhere? Why did my sister and her family all go to my uncle's and not invite me? Why hasnt anyone invited me to Winey Wednesday?
Well duh, maybe everyone is waiting for me to heal myself and start showing up at these places voluntarily. I need to become more outgoing and stop just automatically doing everything alone. I KNOW that is the main way I have had to do things for a very long time but those days are ovet. If I want friends I have to make friends. And I am just about there.
Monday, November 11, 2019
Monday, October 28, 2019
So that is only 34 years that I was treated badly and put up with it. Big deal.
What people need to realize is that it was NEVER all bad, at least not until the last 4 years. Narcissists choose the strongest, most vibrant personalities to destroy because that gives them the most kick. "Wow, I am really wonderful. Look what a great person I have subjugated and destroyed.!"
In order to do that, the y have to give you enough positive to keep you in the marriage. If they miscalculate the target (you, me), and you get away, they have failed. And that is an unthinkable outcome.
What people need to realize is that it was NEVER all bad, at least not until the last 4 years. Narcissists choose the strongest, most vibrant personalities to destroy because that gives them the most kick. "Wow, I am really wonderful. Look what a great person I have subjugated and destroyed.!"
In order to do that, the y have to give you enough positive to keep you in the marriage. If they miscalculate the target (you, me), and you get away, they have failed. And that is an unthinkable outcome.
Actually I was pretty much myself, loved and cherished (I thought) from the time I moved in with Bill until after I had the ileostomy surgery in 1984. So that was 4 short years of thinking I was loved, then I had surgery and became well, and became the target of accusations that I had changed the rules, that I was no longer the same person, etc. Yeah, I became well after being sick off and on with Crohn 's disease for more than 10 years. Bad me.
Monday, October 21, 2019
I DID leave, just over a year ago. So much has happened, but life is just so much better now. It got better as soon as I left, and continues to do so. I have gotten divorced, not without its problems, but it was final May 30. Exspouse remarried 2 weeks later, and announced it by taking his new wife on a trail ride with MY riding club. Luckily I wasn't present at that one.
I have bought a house in my hometown, Hugo, CO, and am going to live happily ever after. I have posted a lot on F acebook, but sometimes want to get deeper in my psyche than FB is really designed for. So here I am.
More soon.
I have bought a house in my hometown, Hugo, CO, and am going to live happily ever after. I have posted a lot on F acebook, but sometimes want to get deeper in my psyche than FB is really designed for. So here I am.
More soon.
Tuesday, October 02, 2018
Leaving?
Tomorrow I have an appointment to meet a landlord and see her studio apartment and barn in Williamson Valley. I can work off part of my horse board by helping out with her horses, as she is a trainer and has several going all the time. A woman more for less my age but who has been divorced for many years.
I am terrified to take this big step and realize that the next year will be godawful while trying to extricate myself from this relationship but at the same time I can't wait. I can't go on living like this, with my every thought and utterance monitored and heavily criticized.
I fully expect Bill will contact everyone I know to try and convince them i am crazy to leave him. I know he will even make up shit as he has done in every argument since I have known him. I can't let that stop me yet again from freeing myself from him. In the end, it will be a simple division of assets, with no one interested in whether he wants to hang onto me or not.
I am terrified to take this big step and realize that the next year will be godawful while trying to extricate myself from this relationship but at the same time I can't wait. I can't go on living like this, with my every thought and utterance monitored and heavily criticized.
I fully expect Bill will contact everyone I know to try and convince them i am crazy to leave him. I know he will even make up shit as he has done in every argument since I have known him. I can't let that stop me yet again from freeing myself from him. In the end, it will be a simple division of assets, with no one interested in whether he wants to hang onto me or not.
Monday, October 01, 2018
WordPress.com
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
Narcissist in the house
It is not right that I should have to take antidepressant drugs just to cope with living with him, even when he is making an effort to pretend normalcy. He just cannot resist telling me how to cook, how to even cut the dang green beans. How i should have done the sweet potato, etc. And he thinks this is being super-nice.
Monday, September 24, 2018
Escalation
I may really end up single this time. I alternate between hoping so and being scared to try.
I thought I had mastered the art of seeming to be contrite during his tirades while not providing any additional fuel. But the last couple of weeks his anger has gotten worse and he is starting to get physical about it. Last week he punched me hard in the arm when we were in the truck and he took exception to my passengerside imaginary braking when he rolled through a stop sign.
And now this evening he kicked me, evidently because I wasn't contrite enough about going to the ER with chest pains. In his mind, the panic attack diagnosis means that I must have told at least a hundred people bad things about him and he didn't get a chance to tell them all that he is really wonderful and I am crazy.
Actually nobody including me said a word about him, but it was a mistake to tell him so. He is first and foremost the only person whose thoughts, feelings, actions, matter and that really cranked up the screaming and spitting a notch or 2.
More later.
I thought I had mastered the art of seeming to be contrite during his tirades while not providing any additional fuel. But the last couple of weeks his anger has gotten worse and he is starting to get physical about it. Last week he punched me hard in the arm when we were in the truck and he took exception to my passengerside imaginary braking when he rolled through a stop sign.
And now this evening he kicked me, evidently because I wasn't contrite enough about going to the ER with chest pains. In his mind, the panic attack diagnosis means that I must have told at least a hundred people bad things about him and he didn't get a chance to tell them all that he is really wonderful and I am crazy.
Actually nobody including me said a word about him, but it was a mistake to tell him so. He is first and foremost the only person whose thoughts, feelings, actions, matter and that really cranked up the screaming and spitting a notch or 2.
More later.
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