I will definitely have a  hangover tomorrow, as I have been reading back in this blog over the last few years. I believe writing here is the only thing that kept me semi-sane. Now I have to concentate on becoming fully sane again.

I DID leave, just over a year ago. So much has happened, but life is just so much better now. It got better as soon as I left, and continues to do so. I have gotten divorced, not without its problems, but it was final May 30. Exspouse remarried 2 weeks later, and announced it by taking his new wife on a trail ride with MY riding club. Luckily I wasn't present at that one.
I have bought a house in my hometown, Hugo, CO, and am going to live happily ever after. I have posted a lot on F acebook, but sometimes want to get deeper in my psyche than FB is really designed for. So here I am.
More soon.

Leaving?

Tomorrow I have an appointment to meet a landlord and see her studio apartment and barn in Williamson Valley. I can work off part of my horse board by helping out with her horses, as she is a trainer and has several going all the time. A woman more for less my age but who has been divorced for many years.
I am terrified to take this big step and realize that the next year will be godawful while trying to extricate myself from this relationship but at the same time I can't wait. I can't go on living like this, with my every thought and utterance monitored and heavily criticized.
I fully expect Bill will contact everyone I know to try and convince them i am crazy to leave him. I know he will even make up shit as he has done in every argument since I have known him. I can't let that stop me yet again from freeing myself from him. In the end, it will be a simple division of assets, with no one interested in whether he wants to hang onto me or not.

[Shared Post] When you have a relationship with a Narcissist you will ALWAYS be admonished, isolated, silenced, punished and BLAMED.

ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse posted: " From my Book - From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+t" AJ Wischmeyer (aj.wischmeyer@gmail.com) shared a post from After Narcissistic Abuse When you have a relationship with a Narcissist you will ALWAYS be admonished, isolated, silenced, punished and BLAMED. by ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse From my Book - From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm Being a victim of Narcissistic abuse is a severely traumatic life experience that you are dealing with by yourself. If the perpetrator is a person you loved, admired, or looked up to as a role […] Read more of this post ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse | September 22, 2018 at 9:02 PM | Categories: Narcissism | URL: https://wp.me/p2wrAq-2gF Comment    See all comments Change your email settings at Manage Notifications. Trouble clicking? Copy and paste this URL into your browser: https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2018/09/22/when-you-have-a-relationship-with-a-narcissist-you-will-always-be-admonished-isolated-silenced-punished-and-blamed/ Thanks for flying with WordPress.com

Narcissist in the house

It is not right that I should have to take antidepressant drugs just to cope with living with him, even when he is making an effort to pretend normalcy. He just cannot resist telling me how to cook, how to even cut the dang green beans. How i should have done the sweet potato, etc. And he thinks this is being super-nice.

Escalation

I may really end up single this time. I alternate between hoping so and being scared to try.
I thought I had mastered the art of seeming to be contrite during his tirades while not providing any additional fuel. But the last couple of weeks his anger has gotten worse and he is starting to get physical about it. Last week he punched me hard in the arm when we were in the truck and he took exception to my passengerside imaginary braking when he rolled through a stop sign.
And now this evening he kicked me, evidently because I wasn't contrite enough about going to the ER with chest pains. In his mind, the panic attack diagnosis means that I must have told at least a hundred people bad things about him and he didn't get a chance to tell them all that he is really wonderful and I am crazy.
Actually nobody including me said a word about him, but it was a mistake to tell him so. He is first and foremost the only person whose thoughts, feelings, actions, matter and that really cranked up the screaming and spitting a notch or 2.
More later.

Fwd:

-------- Original Message --------
Subject:
From: AJ Wischmeyer <aj.wischmeyer@gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, August 31, 2018, 10:41 PM
To: AJ Wischmeyer <aj.wischmeyer@gmail.com>
CC:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recovering-narcissist/2017/08/11-signs-youre-the-victim-of-narcissistic-abuse/

Tonight's Tantrum

They are all different but they are all the same.
Tonight he is evidently embarrassed about getting out a pork roast to thaw this morning instead of 2 pork chops. I discovered it when l took out the bag to come to room temperature And I was going to season the chops while they sat.
Sooo, I just pointed out that the roast could be sliced horizontally and grilled like boneless chops. Big deal, right?

I guess it must be a big deal because the verbal abuse raining down on my head was truly impressive, especially with no more ammunition than provided. Screaming about how I am turning the screws and how I am evil and how I devote myself to ruining his life, etc. All this without any input from me whatsoever.
Oh, and how I always wait until he turns on the news before i try to start cooking supper. This alternates with how I can't seem to put supper on the
table in any kind of timely manner because i refuse to start when he is listening to the news.
I have mostly learned to just present a calm facade. Any reply at all will be fuel for additional attacks.
Ends as always with how I can just get in my truck and go to a motel. Course, experience has proven that does no good at all. The attacks will be even worse when I eventually make my way back. And why should I anyway? I haven't done anything wrong, haven't even fought back, haven't tried to justify or deny or anything whatsoever. Does it help?
The more research I do about narcissistic abuse the more I realize that ALL I can do is present a stoneface.

Even this forum insists on changing words as you go along. It is so frustrating to try and write anything. You have to keep going back to change the words back to what you wrote in the first place, and often more than once. Even in my last post, it changed the word xray twice and even then managed another sneak change before I published. I wonder if that will happen again.

Things have not really improved. Oh, intermittently, but not on a sustained basis. Got up this morning and was told that since HE is feeling unhappy, I am required to lose 40 lbs, sell 2 horses, and find a better dr. The better dr part is because I had an appointment yesterday and came home with a referral for a hip xray rather than being diagnosed and cured right then and there.
I MUST get away from him for a week or so, just so I can think and breathe. Will go ahead and get xrays first and then, dammit, get in the truck and drive!

No tracking

Refuses to give a time or approximate time what he's cooking will be done, but will be madder than hell if what I am cooking isn't ready at exactly the same time.

Emotional abuse number 5678.....

He made me stop seeing a therapist because I was talking to her about my biggest problem. That being HIS treatment of me. Its not allowed to have anyone else know how he treats me.

Why?

Because making sure I feel bad is the only thing that seems to make him happy now.

Abuse

I think I have finally figured it out. He is trying to drive me to suicide so that he won't have to split up our community property if/when I leave him.
This continual emotional abuse is hard to take. He wants me near him all the time and has horrible fits when I try to do anything on my own. Especially and including trying to sew.
And yet sewing is necessary for my emotional health. Wait, no wonder it is forbidden.

Sustained torture

Can I hold out until he starts having strokes? I have tried to think so, especially as the screaming, spitting, and foaming at the mouth rages have any increased. But I am no longer sure I can do it. He is so far gone that he wants to throw me out now, with surgery in the nextonth, and he has decided that HE will decide what kind of surgery, and HE will have me declared incompetent, because "he can no longer control me". It would be such a relief to live elsewhere, ANY elsewhere, but I am so depressed and unhappy I haven't been able to do anything about it.

Assholeishness

I believe he is actually trying to throw me out even BEFORE my next cancer surgery. I have found that hard to believe even for him but the last couple of days' behavior  are definitely pointing that way.

Make up, sure.

He started speaking again yesterday, but it didn't take long to figure out that it was only so he could bitch at me and run me down. I got a few more hours respite by poibing out that it was so much better around here when he was refusing to speak.
But today he pretended to make up again but by this evening all he wanted to do was bitch about politics and how stupid I am to be upset over what has happened to this country with it being taken over by deplorables. Went on until all I could do was sit and cry; I am crying now just thinking about it.
Course, once I was reduced to a quivering, crying lump he was happy and then wondered why I was so stupidly upset over politics.
I swear, I fantasize about being free of this abuse. I an sure it will never happen though. His mother was totally negative and mean until the end of her life and he learned his relationship behavior from her. She DID however start having strokes toward the end, and once she couldn't talk anymore, he started to go visit her. Before that, he hadn't seen her in years because NO WAY would he put up with being treated the same way he treats others.

Standard abuser behavior

I read an article today about how the Trump uses standard abuser behavior to get his way, and it made all kinds of bells and whistles go off on my head.
Refusal to compromise on anything; willingness to go to war over the smallest slight. Check.
Exaggerated horrible behavior so that a return to everyday meanness and malice seems benign by comparison. Check.
Micromanaging, ordering about, mansplaining, general distrust of anyone's ability to do ANYTHING right. Check.

It is truly amazing. My spouse says he is totally against the Cheeto and everything he stands for. But his behavior and attitudes make that a big lie.

Tonight he sat down at the table and ate the butternut squash soup and homemade dinner rolls at the same time and place that I did. Wonder of wonders. Although he did make it a big point to say that there wouldn't be conversation that would prevent me from continuing to do what I please. I nearly choked on a snort. Yeah right, like this is happening for me to do what I please. He can play his silly games if he wants to, but I just don't feel like participating. I didn't bother to answer. After all, what is the point?

Supper

I did continue to cook for both of us though. Thursday night he drove me away from the table and wouldn't let me eat, so since then, I cook, I bring it to the table, and I sit down. I sit there long enough to understand that he still won't eat with me, and I start eating. He fills his plate and takes it elsewhere to eat. If I quit cooking for both of us, I would no longer be in total possession of the moral high ground. So I will continue to do so, at least as long as I am not too weak from cancer treatments.

Still not speaking.

It has now been since Thursday evening that Bill has refused to speak to me. This means he knows nothing about what happened at the dentist on Friday, nothing about any phone calls or mail, nothing about when I go to various doctors again. Doesn't know or care that UHC is now refusing to pay for the breast biopsy, which was preauthorized and delayed once to jump through the ins co hoops. Doesn't know or care when or how I will be having surgery and radiation. Doesn't know or care, period.