Why does he insist on ruining mealtimes?

Tonight I worked hard on a new meal, Greek Feta chicken along with a Greek salad bowl underneath. He didn't even sit down to the table before launching into a diatribe about h having to eat food he hasn't seen before. I have only been talking about this meal and telling him what was in store for a week!
This on top of being so mean before the meal last night t h at I couldn't eat at all.  Sometimes I just hate him. So much / oh what does is so useless, with no other purpose than hatred,and law as us directed at me. I don't deserve it.

Hatred and quilting

He was so nasty about me quilting back in Buckeye that o was only allowed to quilt when he wasn't home. That was doable as long as he was working and I wasn't. Became a huge problem, to him, when he retired and I had to go back to work. I had to give up quilting completely for years and years, as he required all my attention whenever I wasn't working.
Now we are both retired and there is NO REASON why I shouldn't quilt whenever I want. That is according to me. But he is bitching about it more and more, even though I have limited myself to no more than an hour per day, when he is reading/asleep with a book. Doesn't seem to matter to him. Now I am a bad person because I am taking time away from him and the horses to quilt/creating beautiful useful textile works of art.
Why can't he just let me be? I compromise and compromise. I sublimate. I attempt to be and do whatever he wants and keep quiet about what I actually think. Nothing is good enough for him. He wants to control every minute of every day and even control my very thoughts.

What is the answer?

So what are you supposed to do when you are asked a question and there is only one answer that will be accepted and you have no idea what that answer is supposed to be? Meltdown is coming 90% of the the time, as there is just no tracking what answer he wants this time. I suspect that he would change the answer if I happened to give the one he wanted anyway. The point here is not to have a discussion or elicit information; the point is to have a yellfest and make sure I feel as bad as possible, since that makes him feel as good as possible. How much longer can I live with this?

Warpath

He's on the warpath again, although I am not sure why. Things went to hell yesterday afternoon, when I hadn't even been home from the ride for 24 hours. He wanted to look at craigslist on my computer which is fine, but wouldn't look by himself for 5 minutes. AJ, come look at this. Then waiting until I tried to go do something, anything. AJ come look at this. I would TRY to look at it as wanting to share things with me except that he makes it so clear that he is totally uninterested in what I think about what he wants me to look at.
By suppertime I was a bit short about his interference with the way I was cooking and how I set up the table for the hot dishes. Why oh why does he need to go rearrange everything I did? And then he gets mad when I put it back the way I wanted it.
And after supper he made it very clear that he wasn't going to watch a DVD with me by sitting down in another room to read a book. So I chose a movie that he wouldn't want to watch anyway and sat down myself to watch it. That REALLY pissed him off. I don't know; I guess I was supposed to sit in a corner and cry.
By this morning he has worked himself into a rage. Can always tell by the ranting and refusal to listen to anything I say, not even answers to questions he asks. He only pretends to ask as an excuse to continue ranting. It is all getting so old.

Busted

Bill just came through my bedroom door and caught me sewing, plus running the electric heater in my bathroom before going to bed.
So now I am in trouble because I went to bed an hour ago and shut the bedroom door but didn't go to sleep. What an ass; why does he think he is in charge of whether and when  I go to bed? I can't even imagine thinking I needed to monitor when another adult went to bed. That is what doors are for; so a person can do what they like without bothering anybody else.

Speaking

But on the whole I prefer him not speaking to me. He has been stomping around yelling about me not doing anything around here and him having to take care of everything. All this because I said I would be going to buy groceries for my trip to the ride this weekend and did he want anything from the store. Evidently it is all my fault that we didn't go together to the grocery store anytime in the last 3 days. I did point out that he hasn't spoken to me since Sunday so how were we supposed to even make a grocery list. That just led to more stomping around and yelling that he is not speaking to me now either so I better just get my own food and he will get his.

Softening

He must be getting lonely. I actually got a response (monosyllabic) to 2 different questions I asked, oh boy, AND he changed the oil in my truck. I knew it was due, but also knew if I reminded him, that he wouldn't change it at all.

No change

Although he DID say no when I asked if he had fed the dog. Wowee, big progess. But I guess on top of joining me to watch a DVD I picked last night, it means he is getting lonesome. Not me, I rather like not being "helped", or instructed, or downright ordered how when and where to do absolutely everything.

Continued

2days in a row now , he has gotten in the car and gone to town without a word to me. Hasn't brought home any groceries; hasn't asked if we needed anything. I managed to put together a nice stir fry tonight and will do a tuna casserole tomorrow if need be, without the benefit of fresh groceries. I can even do a split pea soup Thur night if I have to, but I am leaving for the M&M ride Friday morning regardless. I will have to get my own groceries on Thursday whether he is speaking to me or not.
I really wonder what he gets out of this behavior. I spent most of the morning sewing in the bedroom, but as soon as I joined him in the front room to read, he left the room and went into the other room to watch a DVD. Tonight he never spoke a word during supper., so as soon as I cleaned up, I went into the other room to watch a DVD myself. He didn't speak but did sit down and watch with me until the end. Refused to say good night afterwards though. What a pain in the ass.
His plan is probably to make me so miserable that I won't go on the M&M ride, but it is not going to work this time. He did this before the Man Vs Horse last fall and I was so upset I pulled not 5 miles in. Not going to happen this time.
He only wants me to stay home so he can make sure I am miserable. Why would anybody want to be that way?

Continue to hate

Now this morning he has started to sit and glare at me in the same room rather than leave the room I am in like he did yesterday. Refuses to reply to questions or comments still. What a pain in the ass. It is cold and windy outside so I will just have to ignore him until he gets tired of this idiocy.

About drunkenness

Sometimes it is the only defense. I could go to the doctor and try to get a super heavy duty antidepressant, but I have done that before, and it makes me basically uncaring and nonfunctional on any level. I keep it in mind in case of need, but actually find that drinking every evening is a better solution. That way I can still function during the day and try to anesthetize myself at night. Evening is when his nastiness and malice hit the hardest, as there is less to do and think about.
Today I am still being punished for last night's defense. I made a very yummy ham, hominy, and blackeyed pea stew with leftover vegetables. Not a word out of him, just ate and refused to speak the entire meal. Me, I just make light small talk and try to pretend that he is NOT a total asshole and refusing to speak in order to punish me for speaking.

Sheer meanness

He hasn't spoken to me since yesterday even when I thanked him for shoeing my horse. He always leaves it til the last minute. If I cave and remind him, he either doesn't do it at all or waits until the day before I leave. Just another way to control me. I can't wait to get away for a few days by going to the M&M ride. I don't care if I place or even complete, as long as I can get away and ride my horse like I want to and eat and sleep like I want to, and socialize with people like I want to, for a few days. I will put up with almost anything beforehand just so I can go do that.

Constant Hatred

Its wearing me down. He is so angry about my comment that I fail to see why he needs to abuse me that he hasnt spoken to me since last night.  This is pretty much a good thing, except that when he does start speaking, he will yell at me for hours no matter what I do or so, and end by attempting to kick me out yet again.  It gets really tiring, especially as the scenario never changes.  I have to be punished by trying to disagree with him on any subject whatsoever.

I think part of the problem is that he resents the fact that I have started to quilt again.  I had to stop 7 years ago because of that. He doesnt want me to do anything at any time except what he is doing.  Reading is wrong because he doesnt like to read much.  Quilting is especially wrong because I dont even do it in the same room with him.  The only acceptable indoor activity is to watch the Dvds he chooses while he sleeps in the same room.  I am not even allowed to be the one who sleeps.  ANy napping on my part leads to yelling and accusations of drunkenness and sneaking and staying up too late.  Etc. Life is not too much fun these days.

Time was........

Used to be, when he forced me to give up something or someone that I loved, he would treat me somewhat better for a while. I mean, up to a month in the beginning, but down to a week in the last 5 years or so. Recently though, relative peace doesn't even last a few days. So, I vow to stop giving up what I love. If it doesn't even make him back off for a few days, why do it? Its forever whenever I have to get rid of someone or something. Most recent case in point is my Sophie Sapphire. According to him, its all her fault that we can't ride together happily. She is too much horse; her gaits are too fast; etc. Bullshit. If I cave and sell her, it won't be a day before something else is a big unsolvable problem and the only way to solve it is to get rid of it or them. I just can't cope with this shit anymore.

And on and on

Now he is insisting on eating NOW,   not even 7 yet, and accusing me of overcooking the stew.  Killing myself is beginning to look like a better solution all the time.

Inconsistency, or why do I always have to be the scapegoat?

Get this.  The same asshole that had a horrible screaming fit at me 2 nights ago because I started cooking too early (at around 5:30) and he didnt want to eat until after dark has NOW had a screaming fit because it was 5:30 and I hadnt started cooking yet!  I am so sick and tired of this crap.  I am beginning to wonder if I can outlast him, if I can stay alive until he dies.  Sometimes that is the only way I can go on, by telling myself how I CAN outlive him, how surely he will kick the bucket when I can still appreciate the time along.  But I dont know.  It is harder all the time, as his mental state gets more and more unstable, and he denies statements he has made and things he has done, etc.  And accuses me of everything you can imagine thats bad.  I am damned if I speak up about anything, and damned if I dont, because he has decided he always knows what I am thinking.

I rarely speak at home anymore, but I doubt if it helps.

It must have been like this for my mother when my dad went demented.

Why?

Here I am in Buckeye again. Why does he want to get rid of me so badly? I just can't understand why hw puts so much effort into driving me away? He says I drink too much wine but since,when is 3 glasses of wine of an evening too much? Hell. The wine helps him, since it keeps me from fighting back against his sheer meanness and everyday nastiness? Its really the only thing that allows me to stand living with him.

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I retired a year ago, and moved to Paulden to be with my horses, dog, cat, and husband.  I have been riding limited distance endurance rides and have changed horses since I blogged much.  Little Deva was more than capable of doing distance, but she did not enjoy it.  I found her a good home with an everyday trail rider and they are both happy.
I bought a gaited tobiano mare that I am very happy with.  She is talented and athletic but not very friendly.  She hates to be fussed with but takes good care of herself and me.  Sophie Sapphire will be with me until I die or cant ride anymore, whichever comes first.
My marriage relationship is very strained right now.  Actually, it has become more and more strained, first since he retired 8 years ago, and REALLY strained since I retired a year ago. I tell myself that he will eventually stop thinking he needs to control absolutely everything but I dont have much hope.  Control is what he is all about.  Even riding together.  We have to go when, where, how fast, what direction HE decides, or I will pay.  And emotional abuse is his family specialty, honed to a fine edge over the years.  I am not allowed to ride alone.  The only way I can get any conditioning done at faster than a quarter horse jog is ride with someone else.
Later.

Long time

I haven't blogged in a very long time, but I need to talk to somebody and Facebook just doesnt meet the need.  Trying to keep things more upbeat there, but I dont always feel upbeat.