Ruminating

Things have been pretty weird lately. i have had to help admit my cousin, younger than me, to a care center. she usually doesnt seem to be any crazier than usual, but other times seems to be fairly demented. anyway, her daughter and the ER doc dont think she can live alone any longer. the only thing that stops me from fighting things harder is that she seems to be happier to have the attention and to be taken care of. she caught Influenza A early on and naturally I caught it too. all that hugging and comforting, you know. it has been days but i still am spiking fevers ever day so am self-quarantining. It is disgusting, as i have had to cancel several occasions that i had determined myself to attend. Oh well. The worst thing about old age is that no one really wants to hear your stories. i have always been careful to keep my stories very short and action-filled when the audience is young, since their attention spans are so very short. But when the audience was closer to my age, i felt free to add more details. But now it seems that no one, old or young, is interested. oh well, i guess that is what you get when you dont have kids of your own.

Just checking

It has been so long since I posted. i am getting pretty disillusioned with FB. Nobody really cares what i have to say there. Here, at least, if somebody follows me, it is because they DO want to know what i think. Have to ruminate on next steps. yes!

Life is better.

My arthritis has improved to the point that i am able to knit again, as long as I don't overdo it. This is good, as I have always felt like i should be doing something else at thecsame time when i watch TV. So that has brought me back to Ravelry, and that brought me back here.

Checking in

 It occurred to me that most people might be getting tired of my Facebook posts about my puppy, my garden, my cooking, my life! So I thought I would come here and write sometimes just because I want to write but I don't particularly care if anyone reads it or not. Before I could do anything, I had to delete at least 6 spam posts that were pretending to be me but weren't. If it happens again I will just have to shut the whole thing down. It would be a shame as I have had this blog for so long.

I checked. March 22, 2006 was my first post.

I get trapped in a loop of negative thinking sometimes. Like, why doesn't anybody invite me anywhere? Why did my sister and her family all go to my uncle's and not invite me? Why hasnt anyone invited me to Winey Wednesday?
Well duh, maybe everyone is waiting for me to heal myself and start showing up at these places voluntarily.  I need to become more outgoing and stop just automatically doing everything alone. I KNOW that is the main way I have had to do things for a very long time but those days are ovet. If I want friends I have to make friends. And I am just about there.

So that  is only 34 years that I was treated badly and put up with it. Big deal.
What people need to realize is that it was NEVER all bad, at least not until the last 4 years. Narcissists choose the strongest, most vibrant personalities to destroy because that gives them the most kick. "Wow, I am really wonderful. Look what a great person I have subjugated and destroyed.!"
 In order to do that, the y have to give you enough positive to keep you in the marriage. If they miscalculate the target (you, me), and you get away, they have failed. And that is an unthinkable outcome.

Actually I was pretty much myself, loved and cherished (I thought) from the time I moved in with Bill until after I had the ileostomy surgery in 1984. So that was 4 short years of thinking I was loved, then I had surgery and became well, and became the target of accusations that I had changed the rules, that I was no longer the same person, etc. Yeah, I became well after being sick off and on with Crohn 's disease for more than 10 years. Bad me.

For 38 years, the only time I could be myself was when my husband wasn't around.  Why oh why did it take me so long to realize how very wrong and unacceptable that is was?

I will definitely have a  hangover tomorrow, as I have been reading back in this blog over the last few years. I believe writing here is the only thing that kept me semi-sane. Now I have to concentate on becoming fully sane again.

I DID leave, just over a year ago. So much has happened, but life is just so much better now. It got better as soon as I left, and continues to do so. I have gotten divorced, not without its problems, but it was final May 30. Exspouse remarried 2 weeks later, and announced it by taking his new wife on a trail ride with MY riding club. Luckily I wasn't present at that one.
I have bought a house in my hometown, Hugo, CO, and am going to live happily ever after. I have posted a lot on F acebook, but sometimes want to get deeper in my psyche than FB is really designed for. So here I am.
More soon.